You had lost your peace. Your conscience had been -pricking was an understatement- stabbing you.
Of course you had asked God for forgiveness, you even added fasting -marathon to be precise- but that didn’t stop guilt from eating at you. You were becoming depressed.
Even when you opened your bible or knelt to pray, it didn’t feel normal at all. The connection wasn’t there like before. You practically could feel your prayers rebound after a perfectly elastic collision with the steel heaven doors.
You regretted your action.
If only Queen hadn’t visited that evening- If only she left earlier- If only you didn’t make those moves- If only she had rebuffed your advances- If only you obeyed the promptings of the Holy Spirit.
You wouldn’t have had to face any of these- Your lust would’ve been nipped in the bud- You would have escaped narrowly.
But all those were mere wishes!
How could you not have thought it through?
It’s been over two months and yet you hadn’t got over it, and it didn’t seem like you’d get over it anytime soon.
How could you have forgotten all that you knew, heard and even taught?
How could you have given it all up just for the fleeting pleasure of sin?
At that moment like Esau, all you felt was the strong hunger of lust tearing at you from within and all you saw was the steaming, scintillating red porridge whose fascinating aroma kept wafting into your nostrils.
Just like Esau, you threw all caution to wind and devoured the meal, tomorrow’s meal. The meal you were still going to eat at the right time. And unfortunately, like Esau you were seeking that which you sold on the table of fornication with hot tears.
Lord is this how I’m going to continue? Won’t you forgive me? Aren’t you a merciful God anymore? You wondered, your face buried in your palm.
Confess your fault one to another, and pray for one another that you may be healed.
You lifted up your head sharply, that was the voice of the Holy Spirit, you couldn’t mistake it. Oh, you had missed that voice, you hankered for it.
But to confess? How easy would that be?
Obviously not easy.
You knew that if you start rationalizing, you might never do that which was needful, so you quickly opened your drawer and ferreted for your phone like you were being pursued.
You wanted to do something that would make turning back impossible. You wanted to burn all bridges.
You dialed Pastor Ekele’s number.
You pulse doubled with every ring. He picked after the third ring.
“Oh my brother. Good afternoon, the Lord bless you.”
“The bible study you took last Wednesday was superb, in fact I was really blessed. When I got home I had to pray seriously for my life-” he wouldn’t stop.
The devil is a liar. Devil I will not let you cheat me! You thought, steely-hearted.
“Eerm sir, there’s something we need to see you for sir.” You interjected shakily, sweating profusely.
“Okay, what’s that? We? You and who?”
“Queen and I sir.”
“I hope there’s no problem, you sound tense.” The concern that laced his voice had a tinge of fear in it.
“There is sir. We need to confess a sin sir.” You forced out your eyes firmly shut.
You hands and lips were already vibrating vehemently you quickly ended the call.
That was really difficult but you were sure it was a step in the right direction. But it was just a step. Only heavens knew how many more steps you’d have to take.
The next step was to see Queen.
On your way to her place, there was an ominous fear within you. More like a foreboding of something bad, You wondered what it could be portending.
Was she going to kick vehemently against confessing?
Well, that was already too late.
She opened the door and you two exchanged pleasantries, you noticed something about her,it wasn’t just her coldness and grim looks, she also looked a tad fatter, fuller. But you dismissed the thoughts and helped yourself to the chair across from her.
“Queen, I feel we need to confess what happened to our pastor, and I already told him we’d be coming to confess something.” You went straight to the point, looking down to the loosely clenched hands between your laps.
You were afraid of what her reaction would be. But what came next was the shocker!
“That’s inevitable, especially now that I’m pregnant.”
You were petrified.
“I beh-g your par-don?”
“How far along?” You whispered in a choked voice.
Eleven weeks? Close to three months! Jesus Christ.
You were sweating profusely as your temples throbbed mercilessly.
Maybe you were ready to confess, but being a father?
That’s totally out of it.
“Er- Queen. What are we going to do about it?”
She inched forward in her chair. “I don’t understand.”
“Queen you do. We have to er- take o-”
She raised a finger to stop you. “No! We’ve done enough already, I’m not adding murder to it.”
“Murder? That’s a cruel way to put it. We aren’t ready to parent yet. We’d still have kids but not yet.”
She let out a mirthless chuckle. “Josh, let’s not add sin to sin. We cannot silence the consequence of a wrong with another.”
You sighed and reclined in exasperation. In the silence that followed you came to your senses. She was right, you knew it, but it was a hard truth, worse than gristle for you to chew.
You couldn’t believe you were trying to justify abortion. Something you’d stood, preached and even campaigned against.
Every child has the right to life, don’t take that from them because of your selfishness.
The words of a placard you once carried came back as a boomerang to you, one that jabs hard at your chest, breaks right through your rib cage and rests painfully in your cardiac muscle.
It was so easy for you to call them selfish, but now that the roles were reversed you found yourself saying murder is a cruel way to put abortion. Oh how easy it is to judge from a distance.
A gentle wave of breeze soughed through the room and as it blew on you, you felt horripilation crawl over you. You felt hapless, totally miserable and tears scalded your eyes.
“Queen.” the tears started spilling. “You’re right. But, won’t this destroy our lives?”
“An abortion won’t do better than destroy our lives, Josh. Only God can repair the damage we made and that can only come by turning to him. Remember, whosoever covereth his sin shall not prosper, but whosoever confesses and forsakes it shall obtain mercy. Josh, what we need is God’s mercy.”
She stood up and walked across the living room to the slated shutters.
“I also wanted to abort it, but somehow God got me. Now, I have decided to face the consequence of the mess I made and let God break and remould me.”
When she turned to you her eyes were glistening with tears.
“It’s not easy, but it’s the only thing we must do if we don’t want a lifelong regret.”
“What will people say, you know the tw..” You were saying before she interjected.
“This is about me, about you, about us! If we do the wrong thing and people’s view of us remain unaffected and we become abandoned in God’s sight, to whose detriment would it be?”
You stood up, snifling and wiping your tears. “Okay. Let’s go to the pastor’s house and do this right.”
She smiled weakly and nodded.